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the new Star Wars movie looks weird

WWE latest venture to Saudi Arabia is a bad idea for a lot of reasons, but now we can report that the event finally has a name, and a collection of announced matches.

Per an announcement made on WWE.com, the event will be called Super ShowDown. If that sounds familiar, it’s the same name they gave their event in Australia, minus the hyphen, plus the random “SmackDown”-style capitalization. Previously news that Bill Goldberg and The Undertaker would make the trip for the event were also confirmed, as they’ll be going one-on-one for the First Time Ever in what we can assume will be the main event. Undertaker was rumored to be facing Elias after his appearance on the Raw after WrestleMania, but that’s obviously off.

Here’s a look at the announcement, featuring a few more match announcements and a very ambitiously packed battle royal idea:

WWE Promotional Image

The Saudi General Sports Authority will host WWE Super ShowDown at King Abdullah Sports City Stadium in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia, on Friday, June 7, at 9 p.m. AST, and feature the first-ever match between WWE Hall of Famer Goldberg and Undertaker. In addition, the event will include Triple H vs. Randy Orton, as they create another chapter of their storied rivalry, and a 50-Man Battle Royal — the largest in WWE history.

WWE Champion Kofi Kingston, WWE Universal Champion Seth Rollins, Roman Reigns, Braun Strowman, AJ Styles and Brock Lesnar are also scheduled to compete at WWE Super ShowDown, which will stream live on WWE Network and be available on pay-per-view outside of the Middle East.

Additional details on the event’s matches and regional broadcast information will be announced in the coming weeks.

Nothing will get us to tune in like [checks notes] Triple H vs. Randy Orton! Also, you’ve got to wonder how WWE’s going to fill a 50-man battle royal. Expect a lot of unfamiliar faces, and any random legends who wanted a free flight overseas for a couple of minutes of work.

Now to see if WWE mentions Saudi Arabia by name on its weekly TV shows between now and June 7, or if they’re just coming to us “from the desert” again to avoid backlash. Literally and figuratively.

WWE Network

If you watched WWE’s latest effort in Saudi Arabia on Friday, you saw a lot of iffy decisions — Shane McMahon pinning Roman Reigns to win his third straight pay-per-view match, Brock Lesnar announcing a Money in the Bank cash-in just to get his ass kicked and not cash in, and so on — but none as iffy as the main event between wrestling legends Bill Goldberg and The Undertaker.

Given the state of the last few Undertaker matches and the combined 106 years between them, you could’ve been forgiven for going into the match with low expectations. What you got was a bizarrely concerning and dangerous 10 minutes featuring Goldberg busting himself open on the ring post and losing control of his faculties, a brutal Tombstone piledriver that couldn’t have made the situation better, and a botched Jackhammer that accidentally turned into a brainbuster.

WWE Network

After the match, Goldberg — who is physically okay and escaped without any major injuries, thank goodness — took to social media to explain that he knocked himself out on the sprint into the post, and thought he could finish the match when he really, really shouldn’t have.

“Everyone who found ‘pleasure'” is presumably a response to NXT star Matt Riddle, who tweeted and deleted a video calling Goldberg the, “worst wrestler in the business, bro,” and gave a running commentary on the match’s awfulness on Instagram.

By way of an Instagram like — that’s how we do things these days — The Undertaker shared a similar point of view on the match and the careers of himself and Goldberg following the show.

In other words,

K.C. Green / Gunshow

WWE Network

A pre-match headbutt to the dressing room door and a head-first sprint into the ring post turned the main event of WWE’s Super ShowDown in Saudi Arabia into a dangerous mess of bloody scalps, accidental head drops, nearly broken necks. A bout between a 54-year old man and a 52-year old man doesn’t get better when you add concussions, for which wrestling legend Bill Goldberg has already apologized for on social media.

The latest wrinkle in the story is fan footage showing Goldberg being so badly concussed that he’s unable to leave the ring under his own power, and is seen collapsing at ringside. You can see the short video below.

Goldberg has a strange history of concussing himself with door and locker headbutts dating back to his time in WCW, to the point that for most of his run he had a tiny trickle of blood on his forehead whenever you saw him. The most famous incident is probably from an episode of Raw only a few days before the 2017 Royal Rumble, wherein he badly concussed himself during his pre-match ritual, bled on television without provocation, and cut an incoherent promo because, you know, he’d smashed his brains into a door.

WWE Raw

Afterward, he announced on Instagram that he was “putting the pre-match headbutt on the shelf,” with an unfortunate, “for now,” modifier.

“Going out a limb …. but I’m putting the pre match headbutt on the shelf for now… kinda made me a bit loopy out there. #learnfromurmistakes #whosnext #every1isnext #royalrumble”

Let’s hope the pre-match headbutt goes on the shelf forever now, for everybody.

WWE Raw

The WWE Universe expected a few things out of the announced 2-on-1 handicap match between Roman Reigns and the Authority goon squad of Shane McMahon and Drew McIntyre, but nobody expected an appearance from the Dead Man.

The last time we saw the legendary Undertaker was at Super Showdown in Saudi Arabia, in a deeply disappointing match with Goldberg that involved accidental blood, door-related concussions, and multiple collapses. Taker’s disappointed face even became a meme …

WWE Network

… but you wouldn’t know any of that happened listening to the Washington Raw crowd lose their minds.

As you can see in the clip below, Undertaker shows up in an unexpected moment late in the match to bail out his former WrestleMania opponent Reigns, dropping Shane McMahon — also a former WrestleMania opponent, albeit one he defeated — with a chokeslam. Taker took out McIntyre with a big boot and beat him down in the corner as well, ultimately sending the heels packing and hitting his signature pose in his moody blues.

Watch:

For all intents and purposes it looks like this will be setting up a match for The Undertaker at Extreme Rules in Philadelphia next month, and having him as 1/4 of a tag match instead of being asked to carry an entire bout himself might be just what the Phenom needs to return to form.

WWE Network

Nearly a month removed from WWE Super Showdown in Jeddah [redacted], most fans’ memories of the show revolve around one moment: wrestling legends Bill Goldberg and The Undertaker taking turns concussing and almost killing each other in a match so bad it caused multiple post-match collapses and necessitated a formal apology.

You can imagine that neither man was happy with the way the match turned out — you wouldn’t have ever called Goldberg a “ring general,” but the guy was never bad at being Goldberg — and now Goldberg’s speaking out about his desire to “erase the feeling” it left him with.

When asked about what he has left to achieve in his Hall of Fame career, Goldberg kept his answer simple and honest.

“The only thing I need to accomplish is to erase the feeling I have from my last performance.”

I can think of at least one other person who’d like to erase the feeling from that performance.

WWE Network

So who knows? Maybe when WWE returns to Green Halls Stadium in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, in November, Goldberg and The Undertaker will give it another shot. It might be worth it, just to see what happens. If you want to be truly nihilistic about it, give them some ladders and make it an iron man match.

But in all seriousness, it’s totally understandable that Goldberg wouldn’t want to end his career with a bloody concussion and history’s worst Jackhammer, so maybe there’s no way to go but up?

WWE Network

this is the entire episode

Previously on the Best and Worst of WWF Raw Is War: The Undertaker failed to win the WWF Championship from Stone Cold Steve Austin after a nut-punch counter to Current School that somehow made them respect each other. Also, Jeff Jarrett got his hair cut but not really, and the Insane Clown Posse began their run of being cut from WWF television due to 20-year old grudges.

If you haven’t seen this episode, you can watch it on WWE Network here. Check out all the episodes of classic Raw you may have missed at the Best and Worst of WWF Raw Is War and Best and Worst of WWF Monday Night Raw tag pages. Follow along with the competition here.

Hey, you! If you want us to keep doing retro reports, share them around! And be sure to drop down into our comments section to let us know what you thought of these shows. Head back to a time long forgotten when WWE TV was fun to watch, and things happened!

And now, the Best and Worst of WWF Raw Saturday Night from September 5, 1998.

Worst: Someone Brought Their Child To A Wrestling Show Dressed Like This

WWE Network

Shout-out to whatever therapist is currently trying to figure out what this 25-year old’s major malfunction is and has no idea there’s footage of it in high definition on WWE Network. I was going to ask who’d buy front row tickets to Raw and spend the whole show holding up their child in a vest and underpants, but it’s probably the same people who cheer when Genar-ation X “brakes” it down.

Out-of-context note about this week’s Raw: If you’re wondering why it’s “Raw Saturday Night” and doesn’t have the same date as the week’s corresponding WCW Monday Nitro, it’s because WWE wasn’t always a global television juggernaut and used to get preempted by dog shows and tennis tournaments. Here’s a sample of what USA Network ran opposite The Ultimate Warrior scaring Hulk Hogan with smoky stinky teleportation.

I bet Sting was a really big fan of Rafter.

Best: Vince McMahon Turns Raw Into The Blue Brand

WWE Network

It turns out that SummerSlam didn’t go the way Vince McMahon had intended, and he’s hatched a “Mackly-avellian” plan for the next pay-per-view, Breakdown. He got the idea from watching Stone Cold Steve Austin on, “the hot, new talk show, that cutting edge talk show, ‘Regis & Kathie Lee,'” which for the record was never “cutting edge” and had been on the air for 10 years. I tried to find footage of the appearance, but it only seems to exist in GIF form now, so enjoy Regis Philbin in a t-shirt you’ll never forget.

Anyway, the problem is that Undertaker sent Kane to the back during the SummerSlam match like a “damned fool” and showed Austin respect afterward, causing Austin to go on Live! and say Undertaker earned HIS respect. The first part of Vince’s plan, apparently, is to make sure Kane and Undertaker don’t turn into handshaking indie workers by — and I’m not joking here — calling Kane, “retarded,” and saying they’ve turned into, “two putrid pussies.” The crowd is like OH SHIT BOY YOU’RE GONNA DIE FOR THAT, and Jim Ross’ call of, “WHAT in the HELL is he saying?” is masterful.

This succeeds in bringing out Kane and Undertaker in a power-walk to chase him into the crowd, and causes them to keep returning and actively ruining every segment of the show to prove they aren’t — again, Vince’s words, not mine — retarded pussies. And I do mean every segment.

Kane And Undertaker’s Bogus Journey

WWE Network

Up first, Kane and Undertaker return to destroy everyone involved in a Ken Shamrock and Steve Blackman vs. Disciples of Apocalypse match, which is otherwise only notable for Paul Ellering wearing an airbrushed shirt that says THE WEB RULES Y2K on the front and THE NET RULES Y2K on the back. Precious Paul really had a Repo Man understanding of the Internet.

DOA quickly bails thanks to their Biker Sense warning them of Undertaker’s presence, and Taker incapacitates Blackman with a Goldbergian knee-bar, called, “that UFC-like submission hold,” by JR. Welcome to your eternal, strip-mall dojo understanding of MMA holds, Undertaker! This definitely “strikes TERRA” in the hearts of the roster, disproving an earlier point from McMahon.

WWE Network

They’re so into wrecking the entire show that they even do run-ins over top of other people’s run-ins. For example, Val Venis vs. Vader is about to end with Bradshaw showing up to throw hands with Big Bull, but says nuts to that and bails when Kane and Undertaker wander back out. I’d like to believe Kane showed up to murder Val Venis for the lazy, “I’m like the family dog … I’m loyal, obedient, and COME ON COMMAND,” sub-Joel Gertner pre-match speech. We didn’t even find out who Val was unsanitarily dry-humping in the toilets before the match! I bet it was JBL’s wife!

I hope you’re into reading the same paragraph about how Kane and Undertaker showed up and beat everyone up because Vince called them retarded, because you’re gonna read it like six more times.

WWE Network

me every time the President is in the news

Don’t think it’s just the matches, either. This week’s Tiger Ali Singh Hates You Stupid Americans segment involves him offering to pay someone money to “tongue kiss” his man-servant Babu for five seconds. Only, get this, Babu has been eating sardines! Vince McMahon 100% masturbated to this, possibly live, in case you’re wondering.

The woman Tiger Ali picks out of the crowd is one of the most beautiful American women he’s ever seen, and she’s only wearing slightly more clothes than the Stone Cold Steve Austin baby, so he ups the prize money from $500 to $600. Because he’s the Million Rupee Man, he gets distracted in the middle of counting out the seconds and makes her French him forever, because jokes.

WWE Network

Anyway, Kane and Undertaker show up and kill them.

WWE Network

Thankfully, the very real wrestling fan who was not brought in from the local strip club without even being asked to change clothes to do humiliating PG-13 sex stuff on a wrestling show escapes the ring without a chokeslam.

WWE Network

Up next is a Headbangers vs. Southern Justice match that actually goes to a finish interrupted, because even Kane and the Undertaker aren’t interested in having to watch 10 seconds of it while they walk from the stage to the ring. Instead, they go backstage with Kane’s Mankind-murdering sledgehammer and try to find Vince McMahon, who they believe will be hanging out in an office marked “Mr. McMahon” while two 7-foot tall supernatural monsters hunt him down.

Finding only an empty office, they decide to wander back out to the ring and ruin a D’Lo Brown vs. X-Pac match. Luckily for them, Jeff Jarrett and his absolutely not shaved head have already interfered and chased Pac off, leaving D’Lo a’lone.

WWE Network

There’s actually a pretty great character bit here buried under the attacks that’ll become later, with The Rock showing up to put himself between D’Lo and his attackers, but D’Lo running away instead of helping Rock fight them. Rock is very close to figuring out that he’s outgrown the Nation of Domination and doesn’t need low-level running buddies to do his dirty work anymore, because the ladder match at SummerSlam made him a star in people’s eyes. Enough of a star, in fact, that he can turn face heading into Survivor Series ’98.

And by, “turn face,” I of course mean, “convince us that he’s turning face so we treat him like he’s Stone Cold Steve Austin and cheer for him to defeat Vince McMahon’s mackly-vellian planning in the Deadly Game tournament only to be extremely, hilariously disappointed at the end.” But we’ll get to that soon enough.

In other Nation news, the only match featuring important people that doesn’t get interrupted on the entire show is a New Age Outlaws vs. Mark Henry and The Rock tag team match, which ends when Chyna bumrushes Mark Henry and punches him to death for trying to kiss her before SummerSlam. It ends in a disqualification and the great visual of Billy Gunn and Road Dogg having to hold her back, suggesting again that The Rock should probably up the quality of henchmen he hangs out with.

WWE Network

Marc Mero and Edge continue their grudge from SummerSlam in a one-on-one match that ends quickly when Gangrel attacks Edge. Gangrel and Edge have a lot of interpersonal Interview with the Vampire Kirsten Dunst shit to work out that they aren’t ready to talk about yet, but again, we’ll get to that.

As Mero’s leaving, he’s — stop me if you’ve heard this one before — attacked by Kane and the Undertaker. The announce team gets real up in arms about Kane and Undertaker possibly attacking Jacqueline next, apparently having never watched her time as Kevin Sullivan’s Girlfriend From The Neighborhood or that unforgettable (read: completely forgettable) Disco Inferno feud in WCW.

WWE Network

Realizing that wandering out to the ring to beat up people like Marc Mero probably isn’t going to lure Vince McMahon out of hiding, Kane and Undertaker spend the next 15 minutes or so walking around backstage, hurling random production people into the Raw chain-link fence and abandoned branded barrels art design. They manage to miss out on:

• An Al Snow sit-down interview with Jim Ross where he bickers with a mannequin head for five minutes that tries to be the Mankind sit-down, but doesn’t work because it’s Al Snow and not Mick Foley
• The Oddities pinning The Legion of Doom because Drunk Hawk won’t stop picking fights with the Insane Clown Posse, which is an unbelievable and depressing combination of words and results
• Too Much defeating Los Boricuas, featuring La Boricua Jesus wearing some of the most unflattering ring gear you’ll ever see. He’s wearing cargo pants and a weird singlet top that was CLEARLY not made for him, as it’s got a deep plunging front so his boobs constantly fall out and a DIY racerback. Did he lose his luggage, and Golga was the only guy backstage with another singlet lying around?

WWE Network

Kane and Undertaker resume their ruination of an entire Raw in time for the Scorpio vs. Jeff Jarrett main event, which also ends in random disqualification when X-Pac interferes and chases Jarrett away. From the way this episode’s booked, you’d think Vince McMahon had randomly declared matches need to end in disqualification with someone being chased away, leaving their opponent alone, so they don’t have to run wrestling during commercials.

Scorpio is left alone, and Mr. McMahon finally re-materializes just in time to get his jollies watching the Brothers of Destruction kill Scorp with an Indytaker.

WWE Network

Vince has succeeded in turning Kane and The Undertaker into mindless, unstoppable beasts again, and they’re playing right into his hands. They notice that he’s standing pretty close to them when they’re done putting Scorpio in a grave, so they chase him away again to end the show.

And that is literally the entire episode.

Next Week:

WWE Network

The U.S. Open on the USA Network (and Raw Saturday Night) continue as Kane and The Undertaker finally take a goddamn chill pill, full matches from SummerSlam are shown to fill time, and Genar-ation X brakes it down against Kaientai of all people in the main event. Are … are you guys making me want to see what Warrior’s doing on Nitro?

WWE Network

One of the big stories heading into this year’s WrestleMania has been Free Agent John Cena’s quest for a “road” to the show and a series of challenges to the probably retired Undertaker. The two have a long and winding history together, and fans (including us) still assumed the John Cena vs. The Undertaker “dream match” would happen at WrestleMania despite a month of them saying it wouldn’t. Because why would they talk about it so much if they weren’t gonna do anything?

Cena made good on his promise to give up his Road to WrestleMania and attend the show as a fan, showing up in the crowd in street clothes and hanging out. Early in the show, a referee gave Cena news that caused him to hop the rail and run up the ramp to the back. Cena returned later in the night in his ring gear only to find out that his opponent was not the Undertaker, but Elias. Cena quickly dispatched Elias and thought that was the end of his night, but as he was leaving, the lights went out.

In the ring: Undertaker’s hat and jacket from his WrestleMania 33. With no armed guard to protect it this time, the gear was struck by lightning destroyed. In its place, entering from the stage, the Deadman himself, for the match Cena’d been begging for.

Watch:

The match itself — and yes, they had an actual match, unannounced, at WrestleMania — ended quicker than anyone could’ve expected, with Undertaker dominating and finishing Cena off with a Tombstone Piledriver. No idea if this will end up being a one-off post-“retirement” appearance to give the Undertaker a better send-off than the match against Roman Reigns or if Undertaker is back semi-regularly as a part-timer, but it was great to see him looking like his old self again, and the crowd loved every minute of it.

Check out the finish below.

Another unforgettable moment from one of the best WrestleManias in memory.

Check out the With Spandex podcast!

YouTube

The Undertaker’s big 2018 is rolling on with yet another announced appearance in WWE later this summer.

After showing up unexpectedly (even though it was totally anticipated) at WrestleMania 34 to beat John Cena in under three minutes, ‘Taker had a graphic novel introduced telling the fictional story of his 27-year career before showing up at the Greatest Royal Rumble to bury Rusev softly.

While no announcement has been made as to what his appearance will include, it’s fair to assume a match is on the way for WWE’s house show in Madison Square Garden on Saturday, July 7.

After the Undertaker’s reported hip surgery in 2016, the Deadman’s presence in WWE had been limited. He wrestled just once that year (against Shane McMahon) before taking part in the Royal Rumble and wrestling at WrestleMania against Roman Reigns in 2017.

That led to his ultimately underwhelming return at Monday Night Raw’s 25th anniversary before the strange buildup to his WrestleMania win over Cena. If he wrestles at the MSG house show, he’ll have matched his total matches in 2016 and 2017 combined.

Even if Undertaker’s house show appearance is a one-off, the options for his next opponent are endless with one of the most stacked rosters in recent memory.

Youtube

If you’ve been waiting for the legendary Undertaker to return to WWE television ahead of his super showdown with Triple H at Australia’s, uh, Super Show-Down this October, you’re looking in the wrong place. Instead of Raw or Smackdown, you should’ve been looking at the Harlem Globetrotters game in Cedar Park, TX, where the Dead Man returned to his one true love: helping carnie basketball guys do fun dunks.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, here’s Booger Red, complete with entrance theme, providing an assist so a member of the Harlem Globetrotters can pull off an NBA Jam dunk.

For those who might not be aware, The Undertaker has been a basketball fan his entire life, starring at center on his high school team, playing a season in the middle for the Texas Wesleyan University Rams in 85-86, and even considering playing pro ball in Europe before dropping out of college to (eventually) be an undead zombie wizard who uses lightning and an army of necromancer druids to battle his murderous fire demon younger brother. Pretty normal career advancement, all things considered.

All we needed to make this truly magical was Triple H running out in a Washington Generals jersey and attacking the Globetrotters with a sledgehammer.

WWE Network

The Undertaker has delivered a lot of Tombstone Piledrivers in his day, but he hasn’t always been very good at it. In an interview on Why it Ended with Robbie E, the man who took the very first Tombstone at Survivor Series 1990 — WWE Hall of Famer Koko B. Ware — shared the story of how the move came to be, and how the Dead Man almost made him a dead man by nearly breaking his neck.

From Koko:

“I love Mark to death, and I’m still proud of The Undertaker today. He really, really has [taken] his gimmick a long, long way. But Mark was, you know. I was the first one to take the tombstone, but he was a little excited because that was his first time doing it, and I almost kind of cracked my neck a little bit doing it. And I heard all kind of little cracks and stuff like that.

“But I knew Mark was trying to get over… I got dropped on my head, to be honest with you. Yes. But thank God for working out, it kind of helps you. Now, if I had a weak head or something like that, I probably would have broke my neck big time. I was the first one that he used it on. [We didn’t practice], he just said hey. They wanted him [to do it]. It was kind of like a piledriver, but he just had my head between his legs too far that you could see my head, and if he would have had my head between the fat part of his thighs, then it wouldn’t have hurt.”

Here it is in GIF form, captured forever in its awkward majesty.

WWE Network

Hey, we’ve all gotta start somewhere, right?

(transcription h/t to Money Wrestling Inc.)

WWE

Internet rumor mills have been calling for the in-ring return of Shawn Michaels since he lost a career-threatening match to The Undertaker way back at WrestleMania 26, but finally, in the dying days of 2018, things are actually happening. We’ve already been made aware of plans to have D-Generation X reunite and take on The Brothers of Destruction, Kane and The Undertaker, at WWE Crown Jewel in Saudi Arabia in November — as a follow-up to Kane and Michaels being in their respective partners’ corners at WWE Super Show-Down in Australia in October — but now rumors are swirling that Michaels will step into the ring again later that month in a return singles match, this time on American soil.

The current report is that Michaels will once again face The Undertaker in a singles match at Survivor Series in Los Angeles. This comes from the Twitter account @WrestleVotes, who has broken a number of recent stories (including Neville’s abandonment of the company in 2017, among others), with a note that if the match doesn’t come together in time for Survivor Series, it could happen in Arizona at the Royal Rumble.

While it’d be great to see Michaels in the ring again — he certainly looked ring ready back at WrestleMania 32 — and while pretty much everyone would like to see him face The Undertaker again, we’ve got to wonder why they’d go that route in 2018 when there are so many other Shawn Michaels dream match options still on the table. Wouldn’t you love to see Shawn Michaels vs. Daniel Bryan, to pay off that hint of a feud from years ago? Or Shawn Michaels vs. AJ Styles, which was at one point rumored for WrestleMania 33? Those Michaels/Undertaker matches were true classics, but can they be improved upon when the story has already been told to its completion, and both men are years removed from anything that could be considered their primes?

Keeping our fingers crossed and someone realizes how great Shawn Michaels vs. Seth Rollins would be. Until then, let’s enjoy WWE’s latest swim in the still waters of nostalgia.

WWE Network

WWE

Something is going on with the Undertaker. You may have noticed the as WWE begins their build to WrestleMania 35, the idea of an Undertaker match — literally a staple of the event for decades — has gone unmentioned. For context, if the Undertaker’s not at WrestleMania, it will be the first time since WrestleMania 2000, and the first time he hasn’t had a match since WrestleMania X7 in 2001. And in fact, Dave Meltzer noted on Wrestling Observer Radio that there are currently no plans for an Undertaker match being discussed backstage.

Meltzer also noted Taker’s increased activity on social media, which has often seen him posting images of himself as regular Mark Calaway, which has seemed odd to many people because he’s historically been very dedicated to keeping kayfabe alive as often as possible. As Meltzer put it (transcript courtesy of Cageside Seats) that may not reflect well on his current status with WWE.

You know, usually he’d protect that gimmick and he wouldn’t do a lot of public appearances, but now he’s looking for public appearances. So I don’t know what the relationship is with WWE.

Now, the Undertaker has not only removed all direct reference to WWE from his Twitter account: he’s begun publicly soliciting bookings:

Via Twitter

Whatever else that means, his relationship with WWE has definitely changed, and it does make a Mania match seem even less likely. Will he show up at an AEW event? That’s hard to imagine, but they may have already emailed him, so you never know.

The Undertaker

In 2004, Mark Calaway, the man behind the Undertaker, hadn’t played the Dead Man, or any supernatural version of the character, for nearly five years. Since 2000, he’d been playing the Undertaker as a larger-than-life biker, riding a motorcycle to the ring in sunglasses and a bandana. He’d even evolved that character from the heroic “American Badass” to the villain who called himself “Big Evil.” But people still fondly remembered the original zombie-like version of the Undertaker, and on the Road to WrestleMania 20 in 2004 that’s what WWE wanted back. According to Something To Wrestle With Bruce Prichard, the Undertaker was not into that idea at all (thanks to 411Mania for the transcript):

Mark Calaway hated the idea. Absolutely hated the idea of coming back as the Dead Man because he thought with the American Badass character, it was multi-dimensional and he wasn’t, uh, doing the head snaps and everything. He could work and go out and have a different style of match. And he felt that if he came back as the Dead Man, that he would have to go back into the Dead Man persona in the ring.

Prichard goes on to say that WWE promised Calaway that if he played the classic Dead Man at WrestleMania 20, after that he could incorporate his more recent style of ringwork into he Dead Man character. Nevertheless, the Undertaker always felt like he had taken a big step back.

These days, the Undertaker is clearly more comfortable with the shape his career ultimately took, and with the “Dead Man” branding in particular. PWInsider has reported that Starrcast, Conrad Thompson‘s company that’s behind Bruce Prichard’s podcast and others, filed a trademark for the phrase “Dead Man Talking.” Since the Undertaker has been literally going into business for himself and is already advertised to appear at the next Starrcast event, it does sound like an Undertaker-hosted podcast with Thompson involved may be on its way.

WWE

It’s one of those odd bits of WWE trivia that the Undertaker debuted on the same night as the Gobbledy Gooker. The night was Survivor Series 1990, of course. The Undertaker went on to become one of the most popular characters in WWE history. The Gobbledy Gooker, a giant turkey who hatched from a giant egg, went on to become one of those bizarre “What were they even thinking?” moments.

In a recent interview with Ed Young, the Undertaker tells the whole story of coming into WWE after leaving WCW, seeing that egg in the buildup to Survivor Series, and thinking that Vince McMahon was going to make him come out of it looking like an enlarged version of Vincent Price on the old Batman TV show.

I was working for another company, and they actually told me… I was going in to renegotiate a contract, and they sat me down and they went “Listen, you’re a good athlete, but no one’s ever going to pay money to watch you wrestle.” They said that to me. I was like “Really? OK, that’s all I needed to hear. We’ll see you guys down the road,” and that was like a burning… that stuck with me.

So I eventually get a meeting with Vince, and I was like “I’m going to walk in here, and I’m going to blow him away. I’ll get hired right on the spot.” I’m thinking that. I go to Connecticut and I meet with Vince, and at the end of it he goes,”Well, we really don’t have anything right now. Maybe at the first of the year, after Wrestlemania, maybe we might have an opening.” And I was like “Oh, wow. I already quit the other place.” I didn’t figure that part in.

I’m just hanging out, trying to get bookings where I can, and all of the sudden on — it was WWF back then — they start this promotion where they’ve got this giant egg on one of the stages. At that point I had short hair, and I had started growing my hair, and I’m thinking “An egg?” so I started having this whole drama in my head like “Oh man, I’m going to be Eggman or something like that.” You know, he’s going to want me to shave my head and my eyebrows. I’m just in a panic. This had nothing to do with me.

So I’m at home one day and the phone rings — back then, you know, you had to go pick it up — I pick the phone up and hear “Hello, is this The Undertaker?” So I put the phone down. So I’m thinking to myself “Undertaker? Well that sure ain’t Eggman or Egghead.” So I put the phone back up and say “Yeah, this is The Undertaker! Yeah!” I was probably on the verge of an ulcer. I was so uptight about this that it took me a second to even process who this was. Vince’s voice, you can distinguish it pretty quick, and I was like “Yeah, OK!”

When Young comments on Vince being so ready with the Undertaker name on that phone call, Taker offers a self-deprecating reason why he got the part:

He had the character, he just needed somebody big, with no personality. I’m your guy!

The timeline of Taker’s story is a little bit iffy, and he sort of skipped the part where WWE actually agreed to hire him, but to be fair he is remembering things that happened to him 29 years ago, which is a long time for getting details right. In any case, it’s pretty amusing to imagine the legendary Undertaker living in fear that he was going to have to hatch out of an egg in his PPV debut.

WWE

In a recent interview with SportBible, the Big Show spoke at length about his working relationship with the Undertaker, who Show has nothing but praise for:

Undertaker is one of the greatest and smartest guys in the history of the business. He understands his character so well and he’s an expert in psychology. I was lucky enough to come in at a time and have him as my mentor when there wasn’t a lot of mentors around. It was extremely competitive and no one gave a crap if you succeeded or not. As long as you could put asses in seats, that’s all anyone cared about.

Big Show goes on to explain that when he came to WWF from WCW, he was still really green, because in WCW he’d just done what he was told, and he no longer had that degree of supervision. Fortunately, the Undertaker was around to help, in his own uniquely “wrestling” way.

During that time period, Taker took me under his wing and man, it was old school. He would chew my ass out every night for something. I remember every night driving in my car thinking, ‘Well I’m a fat piece of trash’.

Much later, Big Show tried to express his gratitude to Taker, but the Dead Man had a unique response to Show’s sentimental words:

We had a great match many years later, one of my favorite matches I’ve ever had. I sent him a text a bit later and said, ‘Hey man, thanks for such a great match, I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, you’re the man’.

He sends me a text back and it’s a picture of his balls and he’s flipping me the bird. I didn’t know how to reply to that.

I didn’t see him for about a month afterwards and when I did, he just went red and started laughing. I said, ‘Yeah thanks for that’ and he asked, ‘Well, did you get the message?’ Yeah, loud and clear.

Not everyone would have been comfortable getting a text like that (even/especially from the Undertaker) but Big Show clearly took it in stride.

WWE Network

Previously on the Best and Worst of WWF Raw Is War: Vince McMahon arranged for Stone Cold Steve Austin to have a “first blood” match against a guy who wears a body suit and a leather mask. Also Kane can now speak by holding a vibrator up to his throat, Paul Bearer got attacked in his home by a 7-foot tall Satanist with great hair, and Edge accidentally almost broke a guy’s neck in his debut match.

If you haven’t seen this episode, you can watch it on WWE Network here. You can watch King of the Ring 1998 on any WWE DVD release, or by clicking here.

Check out all the episodes you may have missed at the Best and Worst of WWF Raw Is War and Best and Worst of WWF Monday Night Raw tag pages. Follow along with the competition here.

Hey, you! If you want us to keep doing retro reports, share them around! And be sure to drop down into our comments section to let us know what you thought of these shows. Head back to a time long forgotten when Raw was fun to watch, and things happened!

Up first, let’s talk about a match you’ve probably never heard of!

Before We Begin

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Here’s what you need to know about WWF King of the Ring 1998, the show that streams in your head in its entirety when you hear the phrase, “one-match show.”

Mick Fally

WWE Network

So, here we are. Mankind vs. The Undertaker inside Hell in a Cell at King of the Ring 1998. It’s the Hulk Hogan vs. Andre the Giant for wrestling fans that grew up in the ’90s. It’s almost unarguably the most famous match of its era, and is so ubiquitous in our minds and wrestling media that it’s nigh impossible to take at face value.

The most important thing I can say here is that to enjoy it, you have to put yourself in the shoes of someone who watched it in 1998. Back in the day, there was just some shit in pro wrestling that could not physically happen. People would always tease suplexes from the apron to the floor, but it’d always get reversed back into the ring. The Four Pillars were over in Japan revolutionizing the physicality of the sport for a new generation that wouldn’t really take hold internationally until the 2000s, but North American pro wrestling was limited by the reality of the established medium. Guys would bleed and hit each other with stuff. It was violent, but not “movie stunt” violent. People would give each other brain damage on concrete or with steel chairs or whatever, but you didn’t see 20-foot falls and leaps off the video screens and explosions more visually compelling than some fireworks exploding at ringside. The Inferno Match, which was just a normal match with a square trough of flaming grills around the ring, felt like the wrestlers were competing inside the CGI in Jurassic Park.

Then this match happened.

I remember breathlessly talking about this with my friends the next day, as I didn’t ever order WWF pay-per-views. I just got the WCW ones. But I loved Cactus Jack and obviously kept up with what was going on, and the description of, “UNDERTAKER THREW MANKIND OFF THE TOP OF THE HELL IN A CELL INTO THE FLOOR” felt impossible. It felt like they’d just told me a dragon had torn the roof off the arena and eaten everyone. It was a breaking of the physical reality of the sport. I remember that afternoon after school, rushing over to watch a VHS recording and rewinding over and over and over. At first, the rewinding was to relive the spectacle. Eventually, the rewinding was to relive the reaction to the spectacle.

I think everyone knows the beats of the match. Mankind starts the match on top of the cage, instead of going inside. Undertaker, who was reportedly already working with a bum ankle and limited in what he could do, climbed up after him. You expected them to fight a little, maybe slam each other on the cage roof, and then fight down. Instead, almost as soon as the match had started, Taker chucks Foley off the roof like Uncle Phil throwing out Jazzy Jeff.

WWE Network

Everyone involved’s life changes in the second and a half it takes him to fall. Foley goes from undervalued smark favorite who didn’t really fit any imaginable mold of stardom to beloved wrestling legend and upright-walking human God. Taker went from a guy intended to scare children to the kind of guy who could feasibly commit murder in front of you on live television. Jim Ross went from fussy southern announcer to “guy who has to be there to call all of wrestling’s most important moments.” I made sure to GIF it from that perspective so you can see everyone in the crowd slowly rise in excited confusion, like they have no idea if they just saw what they think they saw. Everybody changed.

The match stops, Jim Ross screams about how we should get some damn medical attention out here because Foley is dead and broken in half, and the Undertaker just kinda stands on top of the cage. They show a ton of replays, strap both halves of Mick to a gurney, and roll him up the aisle. You assume the match is over, because Jesus, how could it not be? Undertaker starts descending the cage … and then Foley gets up, walks back to the cage, and climbs back up to the top. In a match with two cage falls, bumps onto thumb tacks, Terry Funk literally getting chokeslammed out of his shoes, and a close-up of a man’s tooth going up the back of his throat and coming out through his nose, a man’s open defiance of pain and fate is its most memorable moment. It’s the moment. It’s the toughest a pro wrestler has ever been, at least in WWE.

Aaaaaand that’s when Foley falls off the goddamn cage again.

WWE Network

This is the one Foley says hurt more, as (1) he didn’t have a table to break his fall and went straight down into the ring, (2) the ring wasn’t gimmicked like it was in the followup with Triple H, and (3) that chair comes down and clocks him in the face to make sure he’s feeling the most pain possible without spontaneous combustion. I’ve read some “retro reviews” of the match that take off quarter-stars or whatever because the chokeslam at the top of the cage was just Foley falling backwards, which, I don’t know, seems like it misses the entire point of professional wrestling. But I’m the guy who complaints about arm bars not looking right or whatever, so I’ll only throw passive stones.

Somehow this is where the match truly begins. Terry Funk shows up to buy some time, and when Foley reveals that he’s still functional, somehow, they begin an actual inside-the-cage brawl. Taker dives into the cage wall, folks get in the head with steps, and Foley takes two (2) different bumps into thumb tacks. The first fall is the part that makes it into video packages, but everything after it is so, so much more painful looking.

In the end, Undertaker wins with a Tombstone Piledriver. The match had about a week of build and was completely overshadowed both on Raw and on this very pay-per-view by the Stone Cold Steve Austin story, Undertaker’s relationship to Austin, how Undertaker relates to Kane and Vince McMahon and Paul Bearer, and more. It’s not the best WWF match of the year, or even the best Mick Foley match of the season, as the Over the Edge main event blows it out of the water from every standpoint beyond spectacle. And 20 years later, none of that shit matters, and Mick Foley sailing off the side of a very tall cage like a maniac is one of the two or three lasting, defining images of a company that’s been in business for almost 70 years.

Ken Shamrock Is the 1998 King Of The Ring

WWE Network

AKA, “the final King of the Ring before Billy Gunn won and made it irrelevant.”

Shamrock manages to defeat two of the most dastardly heels on the show — Jeff Jarrett and The Rock — to win the tournament, but, surprise, doesn’t end up facing Dan Severn at all. They’d spent weeks hyping up how Shamrock and Severn were in separate brackets and how cool it would be for them to meet in the finals, peppered with pre-Crisis UFC footage to put it over, and then … nothing. It was super frustrating to watch at the time, but looking back, yeah, The Rock was your next big star and putting him into another important match with Shamrock was the right call.

The finish of that Severn/Rock match is important, too, because D’Lo Brown does a run-in and frog splashes Severn with his “torn pectoral muscle,” debuting his signature chest protector:

WWE Network

All he needs now is some wet hair and a pair of cargo pants and he’ll be able to main-event four WrestleManias in a row.

Kane: First Blood, Part Two

WWE Network

Unsurprisingly, Stone Cold Steve Austin wasn’t able to win a first blood match against a guy whose only exposed body part is his left hand. Kane shows up double-sleeving it here, which not only allows him extra protection against accidental bleeding, but makes it a lot easier if, say, someone he’s related to wants to disguise himself as Kane despite having tattoos all over his arms.

Sometimes the comical overbooking of main events works, and sometimes it doesn’t. Here, someone mysteriously lowers the Hell in a Cell cage during the middle of the match. You’d think that’d be the story, but then Mankind shows up to interfere, still walking somehow, followed by the Undertaker. Undertaker tries to hit Mankind with a chair shot but “accidentally” (in Viscera-sized air quotes) smashes Austin in the face. Austin does a very obvious on-camera blade job and wears the Crimson Mask, while the Undertaker rolls the referee back into the ring and douses him with gasoline (?). That allows Kane to hit UNDERTAKER with a chair, and Austin manages to stay out of the soggy referee’s view for a few moments before the ref’s like, “hey, Stone Cold’s entire face and upper body aren’t supposed to be red.” That’s the match, Kane is the new WWF Champion, and the crowd goes from nuclear to bombed in the time it takes to ring a bell.

Meanwhile up in the sky box, beautiful courtesan Satine and the Duke are like,

WWE Network

Oh, also …

Brian Christopher Pinned Head By Attaching A Bottle Of Head & Shoulders To Its Neck

WWE Network

Get it?

Twenty years later and my reaction to this is still, “it’s a bottle of Head AND Shoulders, not a bottle of ‘shoulders,’ it clearly already has its own head, holding it up to Head’s neck doesn’t begin constructing a Frankensteinian body for it,” which could explain why I’m Bojack living in a world of Misters Peanutbutter.

Mr. Peanutbutter: We are calling [my new show] Peanutbutter and Jelly. Get it? Because I’m Mr. Peanutbutter!
Bojack: Okay, who’s Jelly?
Mr. Peanutbutter: No, no, no. It’s like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. It’s wordplay.
Bojack: You may have too forgiving a definition of the word wordplay.
Mr. Peanutbutter: Well, it’s a working title.
Bojack: Well, it could be working harder. And that’s wordplay.

And now, the Best and Worst of WWF Raw Is War for June 29, 1998.

Best: Vince McMahon Dreams Of The Perfect WWE Champion

WWE Network

During the coronation of the new World Wrestling Federation Champion, Vince McMahon clearly explains what he wants from a top guy in his wrestling promotion.

“A new era of respect and dignity and even civility. Why, it’s as if a giant breath of fresh air has cleansed the WWF. Cleansed the WWF of the foul mouth, cleansed the WWF of the unseemly hand gesture, and cleansed the World Wrestling Federation from the beer swilling. Yes, we have a new champion. A champion who is a man among men. A champion whose lips have never so much have tasted an alcoholic beverage. A champion who has never uttered the first obscenity in his entire life, and a champion, ladies and gentlemen, whose only hand gesture is to salute the flag of the United States of the America. I give you a role model, I give you a champion for the NEW millennium! I give you the World Wrestling Federation Champion!”

Let’s see if we can figure out who he’s talking about. A new era of respect?

Youtube

A role model?

YouTube

Clearly didn’t have his first sip of beer until 20 years later?

WWE Network

Doesn’t know how to curse properly?

WWE Network

Signature hand gesture is him saluting the American flag?

WWE Network

Wow, he really was the perfect WWE Champion for the new millennium, wasn’t he?

WWE Network

Kane arrives to fill Vince McMahon’s platonic ideal of a WWF Champion — a very tall burn victim who can only speak with the help of medical equipment, has tried to set his brother on fire on multiple occasions, once struck a crew person with a lightning bolt while indoors, exhumed the bones of his mother and father from the graves to make a point on a wrestling show, and who is followed around by a crazy old fat southerner who hooked up with a funeral director’s wife on a kitchen floor and bragged about it on TV 30 years later — and Paul Bearer says this has always been Kane’s dream. He remembers him as a little kid, watching WWF Superstars. Who is he, me?

Belligerent redneck Stone Cold Steve Austin shows up angry about how everything went down at the King of the Ring, and everyone in the ring is shocked that the guy who is always upset about everything is upset about this and being threatening about it. Austin goads Kane into signing a rematch for right here tonight, and both McMahon and Bearer are too chickenshit and passive aggressive to talk Kane out of it. I think Austin is the one guy in WWE history who truly understood that you can get what you want by showing up in the middle of someone’s segment and saying GIVE ME WHAT I WANT over and over until you get what you want.

Okay, one of two.

WWE Network

At the end of the night, Austin faces Kane and just straight-up kicks his ass and pins him. It’s kind of hilarious to see Austin just whomp Kane and defeat him with a jumping sit after like a year of supernatural shenanigans and kicking out of three Tombstones. The Undertaker shows up but doesn’t interfere, so Austin gives him a Stunner after the match as well, just because.

Welcome to the new era of televised pro wrestling in 1998, where building to title wins and making money on pay-per-views stops being as important as popping a quarterly rating that’s better than your competition’s. Raw does it by hotshotting the WWF Championship for no reason this week, and Nitro responds by packing the Georgia dome and giving away their all-time greatest moment for free so a Ken Shamrock vs. King Mabel match feels bad about its viewership.

Worst Ever: LET’S MAKE IT BRAWL FOR ONE, AND ALL FOR LOVE

WWE Network

Oh boy, it’s time for Brawl For All, the World Wrestling Federation’s “innovative” idea to take pro wrestlers out of their comfort zones and make guys who’d built decades of reputation on their toughness look like drunk dudes out of breath after trying to headlock someone at a bar at 2 AM.

The idea behind Brawl For All is that it would be a “hybrid” of pro wrestling and mixed martial arts, as guys would wear boxing gloves and compete inside a boxing ring, but would be scored on takedowns as well as punches landed. If you knocked out your opponent, it was your Golden Snitch, as points would become pointless and you’d automatically win. They thought it’d be cool to see guys like Steve Blackman (a legit martial arts master), Marc Mero (a former Golden Gloves boxer), and rough and ready tough guys like Bradshaw let loose and Pound Ass in a new competition that capitalized on the pro wrestling and UFC booms simultaneously.

Spoiler alert: everyone involved looks like a fucking idiot.

WWE Network

Up first is Marc Mero vs. Steve Blackman, and the fans are so bothered by literally everything that they’re booing before the first punches are thrown. It’s not just pro wrestling boos either, it’s low, rumbling, upset complaining boos that turn into “boring” chants about 20 seconds into the first round. It’s hilarious.

Plus, Blackman just keeps shooting takedowns (for which Mero has zero defense), and boxing champion Mero lands about half of one punch in three rounds. Neither guy looks like they know what they’re supposed to be doing, because they probably had this concept explained to them on Monday afternoon. When they finished round one and went to their corners to rest and heard the crowd, Vince should’ve just sauntered out and declared, “shut it down.”

WWE Network

The second, somehow MUCH WORSE bout pits Bradshaw against the threateningly-named “Mark Canterbury”, aka the artist formerly known as Henry O. Godwinn. You know your career’s on the skids when you’re doing worse than, “being named after pigs.” What we learn here is that Canterbury prefers to fight in windbreaker pants, and that JBL can’t throw a punch if it isn’t worked. Jim Ross tries every, “these guys are tough, folks,” quotes in his brain, but at the end of the fight all you can think is, “why is that cowboy punching with the bottom of his hand?”

Here’s what actual fighter Ken Shamrock said about the concept:

“When I was asked to do that I was like ‘uh, okay, $50,000?’ It didn’t seem right to me that I would go into this tournament style fighting thing, I was a professional, and beat these amateur guys up. That’s why I didn’t do it. Why are you asking me to do this? I just came into pro wrestling and I’m learning this craft, and now you want me to go in there and do a complete 360 and beat these guys up for $50,000 when I’m used to making half a million to a million. None of it made any sense to me.”

Join us in the coming weeks for highlights such as Steve Blackman getting injured training for his second round fight, Road Warrior Hawk getting injured in his first round fight, and Dan Severn dropping out after the first round because he’d already cashed the bonus they gave him for agreeing to do it, and because he had “nothing to prove” by beating up people who don’t actually fight for a living.

Best, But Not For Long: Such A Man!

WWE Network

Sable shows up and randomly announces that the World Wrestling Federation has agreed to an exclusive contract with one of the best professional wrestlers in the world, Lord Steven Regal. They give him some rockin’ placeholder country music (?), the Sable introduction, and keep Sable out there to talk to the announce team about herself to let everyone at home know they already have no idea what to do with him.

Apparently nobody had paid much attention to the final days of his previous WCW run, as he’s struggling to stay in shape due to injuries and an addiction to painkillers. He gets one more match against Tiger Ali Singh and then gets sent way to a training camp to get in shape. There, he almost immediately breaks his leg. That just makes the drug issues worse, and eventually they do what they do and give him a terrible gimmick before forgetting him completely. He’d be back in WCW by the following summer, and wouldn’t get a fair shake in the WWF (and the love and seniority he truly deserves) until WCW went out of business.

Best: Mrs. Yamaguchi-San <3

WWE Network

FINALLY we get to the first appearance of “Mrs. Yamaguchi-San,” the kayfabe wife of the late Wally Yamaguchi. Val Venis shows up for a match with Kaientai member Dick Togo and keeps getting distracted by the fact that a guy who looks like Happy Days-era Pat Morita has a smoking hot young wife and has decided to sit her in the front row for this wrestling match featuring a lecherous porn star. He wins the match, but also ends up hitting everyone in the face with a steel chair for trying to keep him from flirting with her. And I mean, you can’t really blame him, because I think everyone who watched this show back in 1998 had an instant crush on Mrs. Yamaguchi-san.

In real life, Mrs. Yamaguchi-San was Japanese-born actress Shian-Li Tsang, who appears in a whopping eight episodes of Monday Night Raw and one episode of Shotgun Saturday Night. She continued working after this stint, showing up in the 2002 film Mary and Joe alongside a young Josh Gad, but eventually decided to go back to school. That led to a career in marketing, a job as the director of brand marketing for Dick’s Sporting Goods, and a high ranking position at Adidas. She rules, and certainly ended up with a better post-wrestling life than most.

She’s also the reason a pee-pee almost gets choppy choppy, but we’ll get to that.

Also On This Episode

WWE Network

The most notable match on the remainder of the show is a battle of former Kings of the Ring, as Triple H takes on Owen Hart and Ken Shamrock in a triple threat match. Shamrock gets the win when The Rock shows up and blasts Triple H in the nose with the Intercontinental Championship, meaning Shamrock is the “king of kings,” and that Triple H has been lying about it this entire time.

Two things:

• Check out that picture of Owen Hart realizing he has no idea how to do Bret’s signature figure-four on the ring post spot, and has to just monkey-bar himself up there and hold onto Ken Shamrock’s legs. Say what you will about the value of Bret vs. Owen, but he’s certainly behind Bret in his understanding of bullshit dangling submissions that would honestly only really hurt your balls.
• Ken Shamrock cuts the world’s worst promo before this match. I guess someone backstage told him to make sure he clearly says everyone’s name, so he’s out here like, “let me get this straight, Hunter Hearsts Helmsley … you want a match featuring you, Hunter Hearst Helmsley, and him, Owen Hart, and me, Ken Shamrock.” It’s so rank Triple H is openly ragging on him in real-time, like, “great job, bonehead.”

WWE Network

Finally, we say goodbye to Sunny without even mentioning that she’s gone, as the L.O.D. 2000 show up as a tired as hell L.O.D. 1995-ish to announce that they’re brought back their original manager, Precious Paul Ellering. D.O.A. interrupts, and Ellering is like, “SWERVE, actually my new tag team is SKULL AND 8-BALL!” The L.O.D. gets beaten down, and have been actively outsmarted by Chicago Gary Hart.

The only way this could’ve been worse is if the Disciple of Apocalypse had immediately replaced Ellering with a cruiserweight that pisses his pants and then disappeared.

Next Week:

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• regretful decisions are made
• Kane faces Mankind and the Undertaker in a number one contender match
• Paul Ellering gets his own motorcycle! That’s why he joined!
• Val Venis learns a valuable lesson about not wiggling his pelvis at another man’s wife
• BRAWL FOR ALL CONTINUES FOR SOME REASON

See you then! [Kane’s fire goes off] AW GAH!

WWE Network

The past few appearances by WWE legend The Undertaker have been somewhere between underwhelming and concerning, with rumors of official retirements fueled by an apparent separation from WWE and appearances outside of the company fueling them.

But like every year, WrestleMania season means “Undertaker dot dot dot question mark” conversations. He showed up on the side of a WrestleMania 35 truck earlier this month and is reportedly going to head back to Saudi Arabia in May, so how’s he doing? Is he okay?

Taker’s latest post on social media answers at least one of those questions, as he announced a big-time weight loss and declared that despite being a 54-year old dead man, he ain’t dead yet.

“The reports of my demise have been greatly exaggerated!! I’ve made some serious lifestyle changes in an attempt to offset the years of physical abuse my body has endured. One of the major changes was losing 25lbs. Goal reached!”

While it’s mostly just an Instagram ad for a meal prep company, it certainly looks like it’s helped Big Evil get into good shape again, and maybe this stop in Saudi Arabia won’t be as dangerous and breathe-through-the-teeth inducing as the last one.

And hey, John Cena still doesn’t have an opponent at WrestleMania 35. Maybe we’ll get a sequel to last year’s impromptu squash?

WWE Raw

Only one night after getting interrupted and beaten up by a long dead WWE character, Elias’ performance on the Raw after WrestleMania was interrupted by its deadest: The Undertaker.

After appearing in some of the advertising for WrestleMania, reportedly agreeing to compete at the next Saudi Arabia show, and posting about his recent weight loss on social media, rumors were flying about the dead man’s inevitable return to the biggest event of the year. He didn’t show up, though, and we got our first WrestleMania without Taker in years.

On Raw, Elias announced that the next person who interrupted his musical performance would be a dead man, which proved a little too on-the-nose for the Phenom. You can watch the moment below:

To his credit, Elias puffed up his chest and decided to stay in the ring and make good on his word by confronting his interrupter, but … yeah, it didn’t work out too well for him. A big boot and a Tombstone piledriver later, Elias was a kimono-covered stain in the center of the ring.

No word yet on why Undertaker wanted to interrupt a John Cena battle rap response. Maybe Elias should learn Bruce Springsteen’s ‘Dead Man Walkin’.’

WWE Network

WWE’s return to the Great And Progressive Nation Of Saudi Arabia At The Behest Of Mohammad Bin Salman has been informally announced since late last year, but Jeddah’s next event has finally received an official announcement.

According to a blurb posted on WWE.com on Wednesday, the company will return to Saudi Arabia with an event on June 7. This is consistent with WWE pushing back the date from early May to early June, and deciding to skip Backlash entirely before simply rescheduling and re-naming it “WWE Stomping Grounds.”

Interestingly, the announcement also features a list of advertised talent, including Brock Lesnar fresh off the rumors of his retirement from MMA, and Bill Goldberg, who hasn’t competed since losing the Universal Championship to Lesnar back at WrestleMania 33 in 2017.

WWE Network

Via WWE.com:

The Saudi General Sports Authority, in partnership with WWE, will host an event at the King Abdullah Sports City Stadium in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia, on Friday, June 7, at 8 p.m. AST. The event will feature WWE Superstars Roman Reigns, Undertaker, Kofi Kingston, Braun Strowman, Seth Rollins, Goldberg, AJ Styles and Brock Lesnar, and stream live on WWE Network.

Additional details on the event’s matches, ticket availability and pricing, and regional broadcast information will be announced in the coming weeks.

As you can see, the announcement also features confirmation of an appearance from The Undertaker — rumored to be appearing at the event since mid-March and probably taking on Elias, following their interaction on the Raw after WrestleMania 35 — and Roman Reigns, who had reportedly asked not to go back.

No word on a name for the show or any theming, but we hope they go with The Greatest Elimination Chamber.

WWE Promotional Image

the new Star Wars movie looks weird

WWE latest venture to Saudi Arabia is a bad idea for a lot of reasons, but now we can report that the event finally has a name, and a collection of announced matches.

Per an announcement made on WWE.com, the event will be called Super ShowDown. If that sounds familiar, it’s the same name they gave their event in Australia, minus the hyphen, plus the random “SmackDown”-style capitalization. Previously news that Bill Goldberg and The Undertaker would make the trip for the event were also confirmed, as they’ll be going one-on-one for the First Time Ever in what we can assume will be the main event. Undertaker was rumored to be facing Elias after his appearance on the Raw after WrestleMania, but that’s obviously off.

Here’s a look at the announcement, featuring a few more match announcements and a very ambitiously packed battle royal idea:

WWE Promotional Image

The Saudi General Sports Authority will host WWE Super ShowDown at King Abdullah Sports City Stadium in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia, on Friday, June 7, at 9 p.m. AST, and feature the first-ever match between WWE Hall of Famer Goldberg and Undertaker. In addition, the event will include Triple H vs. Randy Orton, as they create another chapter of their storied rivalry, and a 50-Man Battle Royal — the largest in WWE history.

WWE Champion Kofi Kingston, WWE Universal Champion Seth Rollins, Roman Reigns, Braun Strowman, AJ Styles and Brock Lesnar are also scheduled to compete at WWE Super ShowDown, which will stream live on WWE Network and be available on pay-per-view outside of the Middle East.

Additional details on the event’s matches and regional broadcast information will be announced in the coming weeks.

Nothing will get us to tune in like [checks notes] Triple H vs. Randy Orton! Also, you’ve got to wonder how WWE’s going to fill a 50-man battle royal. Expect a lot of unfamiliar faces, and any random legends who wanted a free flight overseas for a couple of minutes of work.

Now to see if WWE mentions Saudi Arabia by name on its weekly TV shows between now and June 7, or if they’re just coming to us “from the desert” again to avoid backlash. Literally and figuratively.